Welcome to the page of an epic gamer! With my help, you can be one too. There is only one rule to being an epic gamer: NO FORTNITE. Here is how to download Fortnite if you've already given up.
Obviously, there are much better alternatives. Consider this holy trinity:
This tutorial will start off with a few basic retro games:
Tetris is a simple game. You press the space button to rotate your piece clockwise and you try to get it to fit in as best as possible. When you complete a full sideways line, everything in that line disappears and you feel amazing. Here is an example:
Even though the Holy Father of gaming recently beat Tetris out on sales, Tetris is still a classic, epic game. When you fill the board up to the top in Tetris, you lose. Don't let this happen.
Here, try it for yourself. Make it all come together and you'll be on your way to being an epic gamer. Try not to continue until you get to at least level three.
If you have reached this point, I'll assume you managed to get past level 3 in Tetris. Please turn back if you haven't. This next game is no easy task for someone who hasn't gotten to level 3, especially since it had to be sped up and removed the power ups to avoid copyright infringement. Here's an example of the organism himself telling you what it's like to have to constantly throw barrels in a fast game:
However, this monkey is no weak guy. He never stops throwing barrels (jump over them) and even has the emotional savagery to give up his own beloved nephew in order to be an epic gamer.
Anyway, jump over the barrels, climb up the ladders, watch out for the treadmills, save the princess! Good luck, and again, don't move on until level 3.
Wow, those barrels were fast. If you didn't get to level 3 there, you better turn back, because next you have to deal with more moving cylinders (kinda) of doom: ghosts who want you dead.
Yep, them ghosts are hungry. The good news is that they aren't very smart. Otherwise, they would pull stuff like this:
Anyway, have fun, and this time don't move on until level 7. Also, if you get the big dots, you can eat the ghosts for a while.
Well, I'm actually impressed. Anyway, having beaten all those games (I assume), your next step to being an epic gamer is to try all of these epic games as well.